God in My Heart

Matthew

This morning I awoke out a dream. It was a dream with visions of times past, a real life nightmare that haunted my middle teenage years and changed the course of my destiny. Why would such events be brought to the forefront of my mind? It was a horrifying Bus Stop where I looked through double glass doors begging for a rescuer. I do not know how I survived. It was a whirlwind of events where panic sets in, and you can do nothing but fight. I knew my strength was no match for the enemy, and somehow through tears and torn clothes I found my escape. Some people call it adrenaline. Some people say it was a guardian angel that saved me. There was no hero that day, there was no rescuer. I believe it was God’s mighty hand that put a stop to the unfolding events. It occurred after all, on His territory. In a place you are supposed to feel safe and loved. It was a Bus Stop that changed my life forever. It made me see the world differently and I became a victim who was afraid of my attacker. It was a dirty little secret I would only share with one person, a person I call Blessing.

Blessing is what some people call a BFF. Blessing is truly a gift from God. I played with Blessing before I could speak. Blessing and I would daydream as children. Blessing and I made grandiose plans for our lives, who we would marry and who would have twins. Blessing and I went on our first double date together. Blessing danced with me at my wedding. Blessing sat with me after my Father’s funeral, wiping every tear away. Blessing cried with me when I couldn’t conceive. Blessing supported me as I became single parent.

Blessing is God’s ultimate design. God has designed a Blessing for all of us.  I have known Blessing all of my life, and without her unconditional love and support I would not be the person I am today. Blessing is like no other. We have never fought. Blessing is the kind of person who can intercede in your life. Blessing can delicately show me the error of my ways and redirect me on my path. Blessing and I have not always been in contact but God will always bring us back together.

So when I awoke this morning to a haunting I cared not to remember I asked God “Is this someone I need to forgive?” I thought I had forgiven my assailant. But did I truly, from the depths of my heart forgive the boy who tore my clothes and promised to finish what he had started? Did I forgive the leader who left us alone, when I begged her not to leave? Did I forgive myself for the thoughts I had that the world put in my head: you deserve it, you asked for it.

God, please forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me.  I ask you not only to forgive the people directly involved but those who I placed blame upon.

There are Bus Stops in life we would like to forget. But sometimes those are The Bus Stops that teach us the most valuable lessons. Those are The Bus Stops where the world stops for a while as we reconstitute our souls. Those are The Bus Stops that make life begin anew. Those are sometimes The Bus Stops we need in our lives to genuinely find God.

When was the last time you stopped to ponder a dangerous Bus Stop? Did you forgive the people involved? Did you forgive yourself?  When was the last time you thanked God for your Blessing?

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